What to Do When it Doesn't Feel Like Christmas

It's never hit me as hard as it has this year. It's been happening slowly for the past couple of years, which I think it just a symptom of growing up. I fought really hard not to lose it, but Christmas just doesn't seem like Christmas recently. This year it's been even worse and I think this is for a few reasons. One, because it's been so blasted warm. Seriously, get it together Cincinnati, this is December. It should be 35 degrees and overcast, not 70 degrees and breezy. There are birds chirping in the trees. It's ungodly. But anyway, I digress. Second, I think that usually I start getting Christmasy the second it hits midnight the day after Thanksgiving. We all know that after thanksgiving is over it's time for Christmas. The problem is that the past couple years, instead of getting Christmasy, I've had to ignore everything else and buckle down for finals. Thirdly, I know how money works now. That makes everything less fun.

Usually I gradually start feeling more Christmasy; when we put up the tree, when I start listening to Christmas music, when I start wrapping presents. Even last year things at school helped. The Johnson Christmas party, Johnson boys caroling in our courtyard, class Christmas parties. But even that didn't work this year.

So what is it? Why am I suddenly lacking the fuzzy-warm-inside-Christmas-cheer feeling I'm so fond of? This is the time of year I live for; when everyone is happy and feeling generous and kind. This is the time of year when people suddenly remember the things they forgot all year long like how to value their family, how to be kind to others, how to be generous. I want this holiday. I need the time of relaxation and happiness with my family before I go back to the craziness of school. And I hate New Years so that's not going to cut it..

I think Christmas peaks when you're about seven or eight. Maybe you still believe in Santa, you get really great presents, everything still has this magical sheen surrounding it, your parents still pay for the presents you get for everyone, and you're old enough to remember it all. Then you get older, and gradually your traditions change. This is especially true for me this year, and I think this is where the lack-of-Christmas-spirit is stemming from.

My whole life we've done the same thing on Christmas. We go to the same Christmas Eve service, we go to the same Christmas party, I've read the same children Christmas books for as long as I can remember (even though I've far outgrown them), we have the exact same Christmas-morning tradition. And call me Tevye, because darn if I don't love traditions.  But this year it's different. Since my siblings are all old (relative to me) and married, we have to switch things up a bit. We're not having our Christmas until January. And I know it's not all about the presents, but the time when we open presents is a time I cherish every year. Changing it up just doesn't feel right.

I don't really know what to do about this whole situation. I know that Christmas isn't the most important thing in the world, but to me it is pretty important. I know that the real reason is about Jesus, but I want my family traditions too. Even writing this post I still don't know what to do, so I guess the title is a little deceiving because I don't have any answers.

What I realized in church last week, however, is that it doesn't matter. As much as I hate it, it doesn't matter that it doesn't feel like Christmas. Like it or not, my life isn't always going to be as peachy-keen perfect as it has been in the past. Christmas may not always be the magical time I remember it being as a child. But in the grand scheme of things, it doesn't matter. I kind of hate the whole "Reason for the Season" type things, but what it's right in reminding us that matters is Jesus. The birth of Jesus is the second-most important thing to ever happen in history, right behind his resurrection. If I don't get my Santa and hot chocolate and carol-singing Christmas, I have to suck it up because that's the way the world works. But I think it is still important to stop and remember the importance of the birth of Jesus; to remind yourself how absolutely insane it is that God would make himself a human; that is the "Reason for the Season" (cringe as you feel led).

I'm still going to try to make it feel like Christmas. I'm not quite ready to give up the child-like wonder at the Christmas magic. Yet when I feel sad because it isn't the same or I don't have the Christmasy feeling, I can remember why we even have Christmas, and put it into perspective.

I don't know if any of you have felt the same way, or if this helps in any way, but I hope it did.

Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good attitude.
Lisa

No One Will Ever Know

I wrote this poem after I heard about the San Bernardino shooting, but it could honestly apply to whichever shooting you think of first. If you haven't watched the news lately, there have been a few. I know poems can't really fix anything, but I think they can help put things in perspective and point out the harshness of the truth.  This story is a complete work of fiction, but can be reflective of any number of real stories.

(Caution: while this is not unnecessarily graphic, it does not avoid reality.)

My life is over.

One twitch of a finger and I'm gone.

Galaxies of memories, experiences, feelings,

Gone before I could scream "Mercy."

My thoughts are precious,

My experiences are unique.

Now they are wasted, buried, splattered with my blood.

No one will ever know

How sad I was that I couldn't go home for Thanksgiving. 

How unhappy I was with my grades.

No one will ever know that I let them slip

Because I was too busy writing a novel.

My sister will never know that I was going to surprise her tomorrow. 

I will never get to tell my mom about my new boyfriend.

My boyfriend will never get to know if he loved me or not.

Because my blood is painted on the wall behind me;

A Jackson Pollock depiction of my death.

As you, a man I do not know

With galaxies of your own,

Hold a gun as if it isn't the Angel of Death

And I forgot to paint lamb's blood over my door today. 

You don't know my galaxies.

I don't know yours.

You never gave me the chance to learn. 

Instead, you introduced me to your gun.

It said hello and never left me with the time to say goodbye. 

9 millimeters isn't that big.

Certainly not as big as a galaxy.

9 millimeters is small,

Until it turns on you.

Then it is a black hole. 

I'm Overwhelmed

I'm overwhelmed. 

I'm overwhelmed with things I need to be concerned about. One day it's the environment. The next it's a natural disaster. The next, poverty. The next, red Starbucks cups. There's so many things I need to have an opinion on; need to be doing something about. If I only post about Paris and not also Beirut and Lebanon, I am ignorant. I only care about western countries. I instead must be concerned about everything. I must make sure everyone else is also concerned. 

I need to be part of fixing the world, but I can't just pick one need to focus on. I cannot spend my life focusing on helping those in poverty. I need to help those in poverty AND stop global warming AND write letters to congress AND protect my rights. 

I cannot fix the world. You cannot fix the world. Facebook cannot fix the world. Indignation cannot fix the world. It's not going to happen. No matter how thin we spread ourselves trying to make everything better, it's never going to save the whole world. And in the meantime, we exhaust ourselves trying to be the saviors of the world. You wanna know why it's not working?

Because we already have a savior of the world. 

Jesus saved the world, remember? Have we forgotten that? 

"Take heart! I have overcome the world." Those are Jesus' words. I do not have to fix the world because that's not my job and I physically can't because I am human. 

Being compassionate is important. Whoever does not love their brother cannot love God. But there's nothing wrong with you if you have a hard time being concerned about certain issues. We have our strengths, and we will be most effective if we focus our efforts on what we are able to aid competently and knowledgeably. 

Don't get overwhelmed. Know that it's okay to focus your efforts on one need. And when the world seems hopeless, know that we have a savior who has overcome the world and, thank heavens, he's not subject to our human weaknesses. 

Lisa

A Study in My Own Strength (or Lack Thereof)

My past few months have been so full I don't even know where the time went. I laugh to my self about once a week when I remember how I thought I was busy last year. Throughout this semester I've noticed a pattern in things that have happened, and I think I'm beginning to get an idea of what God is trying to teach me.

Last year I got hired as the Vindicated Class's Sophomore Musical director, which this semester has meant a lot of stress. Basically everything that had the potential to go wrong has. Even things I thought couldn't possibly go wrong somehow managed to go wrong. It has felt like the whole world is working against me. One thing after another had me running down rabbit trails to fix a problem within a problem within a problem. And as September passed (the month when I was going to announce the play) and we got further into October (when we were going to hold auditions) I got more and more stressed about the time crunch since I only had two months left until the weekend the show was scheduled to run.

My breaking point was when I got the email that I had been denied the rights to the play I wanted, when I really did not have time to request a new one. If there's anything I've learned about theatre companies, it's that they don't work fast. I was in the music building when I got the email and I was honestly so overwhelmed and so stressed out that I locked myself in a practice room and cried for about forty-five minutes. I didn't know what I was going to do.

After I calmed down enough to think logically I requested a different version of the play and for the next two weeks I prayed that it would be accepted. I don't like to pray specifically for things to go my way; I don't really think that's what prayer is for. But I actually did sit down and say "God please let this request be accepted." I didn't know what other option there was.

Last Thursday I stopped into Don Mink's office to see if he had gotten any emails about the request. Instead, he offered me the limited time offer to change the dates to after spring break. I said yes practically within the millisecond. God didn't answer my prayer the way I asked him to, but he didn't leave me hanging. Immediately I almost physically felt a weight lifted off my shoulders.

As if this whole situation wasn't enough, about a week and a half ago I found out that four Asbury students were in a horrible car accident, three of whom I know. I got an odd assortment of information about it, since I wasn't on campus at the time, starting with "They were in an accident, but they're okay," followed by "Erin shattered a vertebra and Tommy's lung collapsed." Not exactly the kind of summary you want to hear.

Gradually, the situation became more clear and my understanding of "they're okay" became "they're alive." Both people in the other car died. By nothing short of a miracle from God, everyone in my friends' car lived. For a few days, everyone around me was stressed and upset about the whole situation and it was generally pretty tense. Even with all the uncertainty and apprehension about their condition, I found myself constantly thanking God that even if they weren't necessarily "okay," they're still here. Lives seem a lot more valuable when you realize how quickly they could be gone.

Between all that's been going on, the message I've been getting from God is very clearly that he is there. He is with me, he takes care of his people, his timing is better than ours, his plans are better than ours, and that I need to do what I can and then be content to wait on him and lean on his strength instead of my own.

And while I can see and appreciate the growth I am going through, I also hope my life calms down a little bit soon.

Learn to trust God,
Be grateful for what you have,
Lisa

Thoughts on a Wednesday

A couple weeks ago, someone spilled my tea on me in chapel and instead of apologizing, checked to make sure her stuff didn't get wet. Today I heard the same person complaining that multiple people bumped into her on the way to class and didn't apologize. And I began to wonder why it is so difficult for us humans to empathize with others, realizing that they are no different than we are? Why is it that I was mad at this person, who was mad at someone else, who was probably mad at someone else, instead of seeing human failures for what they are. It reminded me that maybe if we paid a little less attention to the small mistakes of others, realized the small mistakes we make ourselves, and began worrying about bigger problems, the world would become a slightly more pleasant place to live in.

Happy Wednesday.

20 Things I've Learned In College

1. First impressions are often wrong.

2. You should probably finish your reading instead of binge-watching Arrested Development.

3. Conversely, if you've gotten your homework done, totally binge-watch. It's good for the soul.

4. Usually when the professor says "This isn't something you can do the night before," they're actually right.

5. A lot of the clichéd advice you get is really valuable. (i.e. "get involved!" "get sleep!" "don't date first semester!")

6. If you haven't found the kind of friend group you're looking for, keep trying and give it time. I didn't find them until second semester was almost over.

7. God wants to teach you things.

8. In order for God to teach you things, you have to spend time with Him. Which takes effort.

9. Biology

10. Having to switch your class schedule around isn't the end of the world.

11. Be careful with your money.

12. Getting good grades requires more effort than it did in high school.

13. Grades are important, but they aren't everything (they're not going to go on your resume).

14. Freshmen, get to know the upperclassmen. Upperclassmen (or anyone who's not a freshman), get to know the freshmen. Don't make fun of them and don't write them off.

15. Wax paper is not the same as parchment paper. And wax paper should not go in the oven.

16. Coffee is your friend. It wants to help you. Embrace it.

17. Always carry gum.

18. Don't be afraid to be afraid. The end of your comfort zone is the beginning of growth.

19. Be present. You miss a lot when you aren't.

20. Give charitable judgement.

8.7.15 // 12:14 am // Something Resembling a Poem

I had plans for my night after TAG training ended.
I was going to shave my legs
And unpack my stuff
And, most important, watch Netflix.
Until a knock at my door,
And a "Hey, we're watching Zoboomafoo."
I could have stayed in my room.
I could have shaved my legs
And unpacked
And watched Netflix.
Or,
I could have watched Zoboomafoo for fifteen minutes
And ended up praying
And crying
And laughing
And laughing 'till I cried.
I could have been vulnerable
And trusted people with things
I don't usually tell.
I could have played games
And been loud
And stayed up way past my bedtime.

Sometimes it's good to remember
I can live with hairy legs for another day.
My room can wait for just one night.
Netflix will always be there for me later.
Even Zomoomafoo can wait.
Because tonight I had fellowship.
I had a band of girls who I trusted.
I had things I never dreamed God would provide me
But He did.
Because He knows my needs,
He hears my prayers,
And He doesn't allow man to be an island.

So sometimes, remember:
There are responsibilities you have to attend to,
But not tonight.
Give yourself a break,
Wait until tomorrow,
Thank God for what is in front of you
And cherish the moment while it lasts.
My night was not what I planned.
Waking up tomorrow will be hard.
But nothing,
Nothing,
Can take the happiness of this memory from me
And that is far greater
Than any chore.